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The Top Ten Obscure Bond Girls That Time Forget

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Old 12-19-2008, 06:14 PM
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Default The Top Ten Obscure Bond Girls That Time Forget

Who were the gorgeous girls that Bond doesn’t remember?

Join The Daily Dust and our special in-depth agent Ewan Spence as he delves into the Double-Oh Girls that never made the jump to all out superstars, but still gave Bond another notch in the bed-post, and in some cases an ache in his heart.

The English Girl
(Joanna Lumley, in ‘On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.‘)

Let’s face it, every Bond girl list published in the UK has to have Joanna ‘National Treasure‘ Lumley in the list. In the days when she was more model than actor, Lumley was one of many brainwashed girls due to carry a lethal virus back to their home countries and infect the world.

With her action-girl reputation sealed as Purdey in The New Avengers (named after the very home counties shotgun), can you blame Lumley for escaping the curse of the Bond Girl and having an acting career after appearing in the film?

Gala Brand
(’Moonraker,’ by Ian Fleming)

For all the Bond girls, you always remember your first. And mine was in the third Bond novel by Ian Fleming, the auburn haired Gala Brand from Special Brand. Which means Bond gets her file before meeting her and the ***iest comment in all of Fleming’s writing… ?Distinguishing marks… has a mole on the upper curvature of her right breast. Take that, and the cover of the Pan novel (see right) and you can see the appeal.

For a literary Bond girl, she was smart (reprogramming Britian’s first nuclear missile from memory), physical (pulling herself, minus the last s****s of her *********, from the rocks of a collapsed cliff face), ***ual (Bond and Brand are forced into an air vent before being drenched in superheated steam) and, like all the best women, already engaged.

As Moonraker ends, a Byron-esque Bond is left devastated and alone as Brand points out her fianc? in the final scene. Bond’s plans to whisk her away for a month come to nothing, and Brand walks off into the distance with another… Gala Brand never made it into the movies, but a corner of Bond (and my) heart remains with Special Branch.

Vivienne ‘Viv’ Michel
(’The Spy Who Loved Me‘ by Ian Fleming)

Famously Fleming sold the name to the movie producers, but banned them from using anything from the novel, and with good reason. A complete diversion from previous novels, this was a much shorter and racier novel, told in the first person style by Vivienne Michel, a Canadian women who end up running a small hotel. As mobsters move in to burn down the hotel, leaving Viv’s body behind to take the blame, they think it’s a smart idea to ***ually assault her first. At which point Bond, with a flat tyre on his car, arrives at the hotel, looking for a room…

The movie replaced Viv with Russian spy Triple-X (Barbara Bach) who gave as good as she could, but the end result is the same. Both women are left thinking about the Spy who loved them.

Sylvia Trench
(Eunice Gayson, ‘Dr No‘ and ‘From Russia With Love.’)

Even in the first Bond film, there were plans for a running joke, and one of those was character Sylvia Trent. As Dr No (the first film) opens, Bond asks her name. ?Trench, Sylvia Trench,? comes the reply. And mimicking her delivery, Connery looks straight into the camera and returns the favour, beginning a legend… ?Bond, James Bond.?

Trench was destined to appear in every film and Bond would never quite have enough time to close the deal, always leaving her in the lurch. The idea was subsequently dropped for the third film, Goldfinger ? Connery closed the deal with Jill Masterton, Tilly Masterton (yes they were sisters, clever Bond) and ***** Galore instead.

Loelia Ponsonby
(Secretary to the Double-0 department, features in various Ian Fleming novels)

Forget your Miss Moneypenny (she belonged to ?M? and she knew that every agent in Mi5 knew that), Bond’s first secretary, whom he shared with 006 and 009 was Loelia Ponsonby, who kept the boys in check with a matronly eye. A spinster, dedicated to the service rather than a single man, she was the rock in Whitehall while Bond was out saving the world. While never romanticly linked to anyone, she gave him a reason to come home at the end of the day.

Disney never wrote Bambi and Thumper like this, but Connery tamed them…

Bambi and Thumper
(Lola Larson and Trina Parks in ‘Diamonds are Forever.’)

All Bond has to do is cross an apartment floor to meet Willard Whyte. In his way are two athletic martial arts girls, Bambi and Thumper, dressed in pre-lycra swimwear and a bobble hat. Connery proceeds to get beat up by the girls on set (I bet he enjoyed that), before taking them into the pool and ducking them like a fifteen year old. Bet he liked that even more.

Roan Power
Bond’s Irish maid at Eton (Mention in Bond’s obituary, ?You Only Live Twice,? Ian Fleming, named in ?By Royal Command? by Charlie Higson)

Bond’s literary backstory has him studying at Eton, but being thrown out because of ‘an incident with his chamber-maid. It’s a puzzling part of his life, hinted in the obituary written for Bond that appeared in The Times shortly after his apparent death in Flemings novel of ?You Only Live Twice.? Given that Charlie Higson’s Young Bond series covers this incident, more will become clear of just how pivotal this young slip of a girl in the teenage Bond’s life will have on his career when I get round to reading ?By Royal Command.?

Miss Caruso
(Madeline Smith in ‘Live and Let Die’)
It’s a new Bond film, and the third actor in as many films to take up the role. After Connery was recalled back to save the franchise from Lazenby (although the only thing against Lazeby was, well, he wasn’t Connery) it was time for Roger Moore to step into the Saville Row shoes of Flemings creation,. And how to tell everyone this was Bond? Why, have him seduce his Sylvia Trent, Miss Caruso, in the wardrobe of his London flat and unzip her dress with his magnetic watch. Suave, sophisticated, ***ual… Bond was back.

Ann ‘Q’ute’ Reilly
(the novels by John Gardner, introduced in ‘Licence Renewed.’)

1981 saw a big reboot of the literary Bond, with John Gardener releasing the first of what would be 15 Bond novels from his pen. Many things remained the same, M was still there needing a blunt instrument, Spectre was still causing trouble, but some things had moved on a bit. Apart from Bond driving a Saab instead of an Aston Martin, the Armourer (Major ‘Q’ Boothroyd) had a deputy. Ann Reilly.

Nicknamed ‘Q’ute’ much to her disdain, it took Bond little time to get an invite back to her apartment, bringing a new twist to the lets see all the gadgets scene. Only a female Q would have a hologram of herself performing a slow strip for her guest while she got herself ready. ?Do pay attention Double 0 Seven…?

Bibi Dahl
(Lynn-Holly Johnson in ‘For Your Eyes Only‘).

Moody, raven haired, crossbow wielding, deep sea diver Carole Bouquet was the designated Bond girl in for Your Eyes Only (the closest Moore got to a ’serious’ Bond which is a shame as it’s one of the better character studies of Moore’s Bond), the more energetic viewers latched onto Johnson. Playing an American gymnastic prodigy in training, she was lithe, supple, and continued to throw herself at Bond. And he resisted. Ouch!

Did we forget anyone? Let us know who your favourite Bond girl was, and try not to make too many puns around Doctor Holly Goodhead.
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